Report Card

Having conducted a detailed review of four nations - two newly part of the EU and two would-be entrants, we stand ready to share our conclusion with you, the ignorant reader to whom we just had to explain which countries were in the EU and which weren't (hint: not Turkey, yet). Sit back and enjoy the informative hilarity...

1. Bulgaria

Wants to be the new: Greece. Effortlessly styleless, not really persuaded by this whole "capitalism" thing. Naptime protected by law.


Main exports as determined peering out bus/train window: Sunflowers, Corn



Food products of note: Pizza, with ketchup and mayonnaise



Phone: Boxy, out of date, proudly Russian-influenced


The Verdict: They're here now, and they seem so excited about this whole "Europe" thing that asking them to leave would be like kicking a (mildly retarded) puppy. Bulgaria stays.

2. Romania

Wants to be the new: France. Really, really wants to be the new France. At some point they'll simply change the whole country's name to Flance and try to convince Japanese tourists that they've simply taken a wrong turn somewhere around Budapest. Have got the architecture and bucolic scenery more or less down, need some work on the cuisine, and need to find someone other than Bulgaria to look down on.


Main exports as determined peering out bus/train window: Sunflowers, Corn



Food products of note: Re-badged Hungarian, imitation French. Sausages. Avoid the octopus, it's supposed to be art.


Phone: Much flasher and more "european" than the Bulgarian version, but, ultimately, it's a lot pricier and less fun without being any more functional.

The verdict: It's probably too late to kick out the French, so while this is much less satisfying, we're going to say that Romania doesn't really bring anything new, and should make way for somewhere a little "edgier". I hope you guys didn't forget all of your high-school Russian in the last seven months...

3. Serbia

Wants to be the new: England. Not too sure how it feels about "Europe", "Customs Unions" or "Foreigners" generally. A faded imperial power, with an internal narrative of lost grandeur and dirty tricks played by outsiders. Enjoys eating sausages and potatoes.

[Geographic centre of (historic, greater) Serbia, as marked in central Belgrade]

Main exports as determined peering out bus/train window: Sunflowers, Corn.


Food products of note: Sausages, produced without inconvenient (and technologically demanding) skin.

Phone: Does what it wants, thinks it's more or less replicating the Western version, but missing some key features. Don't call it, it'll call you.

The verdict: Serbia plays hard-to-get, and we're a sucker for that kind of thing (also, ethnic cleansing has a sort of perverse charm). These guys are a lot of fun, so they're in.

4. Turkey

Wants to be the new: Poland. Huge, and more religious than they generally let on. Sees the EU more as a source of rivers of cash than of ideological mentoring. Secretly thinks Europe could stand to learn a lot from it. Architecturally, they may be right.


Main exports as determined peering out bus/train window: Sunflowers, Corn.

Food products of note: Melon and cheese, washed down the large quantities of anise spirit. Kebabs.


Phone: Prettier than the Bulgarian, less pretentious than the Romanian, more welcoming than the Serbian. But, when you get right down to it, kind of depressingly third world...

The verdict: Tough call here. Turkey is beautiful, fun and surprisingly well-run. But there's a lot of it, and Europe really needs something to define itself in opposition to, and once you start including big chunks of Asia that kind of falls apart. We'll take Western Turkey, right up to the Bosphorous, and, as long as we're being picky, that nice little fish restaurant on the Asian side. We'll hand the rest over to Ufuk Uras. We like his style.